On This Day in Cyclical Time

And thus begins the first of Artifice’s numberless series.


1513: After a faint dissatisfaction with Urban Outfitters, Wet Seal, American Apparel, Deb Shops, and Charlotte Russe, Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon sets out in search of Forever 21

3054: In the second round of their UFC: Infinity bout, Archangel Uriel submits Adam via armbar

1999: Seamus Heaney translates Beowulf from Old English into Kind of Awesome English

1739: A lazy, sycophantic, and iPhone-less Prussian nobleman travels to Pennsylvania and simply names the first town he sees King of Prussia

5391: The final legacy of humanity proves to be an airborn pathogen that corrodes science fiction metals and turns all robots into cannibalistic zombie-robots

320 BC: Aristotle developes another law of physics that’s well reasoned and influential and totally wrong

1955: A Midwestern family eats meatloaf and twice-baked potatoes amidst non-threatening but thoroughly engaging conversation and after dinner the father smokes hickory tobacco from a corncob pipe and the mother drinks peach flavored sweet-tea and the children try to catch fireflies with homemade nets

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