Ask The Artifice

Friend of Artifice Felicity K. Gibbons asks, “If God & Artifice came together to produce some pronouncements, what would those pronouncements be? Please bear in mind that they cannot be fallible.”

Our Pronouncements would read as follows:

1.       In the future, weather controlling machines will be handheld and LED backlit and have downloadable apps for adjusting hail size

2.       All stream of conscious novels scrawled across tile floors by gun-shot victims in their own blood must take up less than 400 tiles unless there is an extremely pressing narrative reason to the contrary

3.       The existence of pre-gramophone sound should be disbelieved for want of evidence

4.       When the time travel machine is finally cleared for public use by the FAA the destination of the first trip should be Las Vegas the day Charm School debuted so the christening traveler can restore the economy by betting that three years later Mo’Nique would be an Oscar winning actress

5.       All laundry detergent containers, in addition to that cup to measure detergent, should come with someone to do the laundry

6.       The carbon dating of Robotic Dinosaur fossils are malicious fabrications perpetuated by Steven Spielberg

7.       The moon exists because there are so many similes for pale light

8.       Philip Marlowe and Hercule Poirot and Nick Charles and Simon Templar and Nero Wolf and Charlie Chan and Sam Spade and Philo Vance exemplify why all police forces should be privatized and wear top-hats

9.       In the advent of a nuclear Holocaust that destroys the Artifice Headquarters Artifice’s official stance will be one of condemnation towards the tenet of mutual assured destruction

10.   In the advent of a nuclear Holocaust that destroys everything but the Artifice Headquarters Artifice’s official stance will be that all (surely now mutated) citizens must dress as X-Men and cagefight each other

 

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One response to “Ask The Artifice

  1. Darn there has to be a nuclear disaster before I can get someone to do the laundry?!

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