Author Dossier #5: Lance Olsen

Lance Olsen’s piece “How to Unfeel the Dead” can only be found in Artifice Issue 1


Name: Lance Olsen

Other Known or Desired Aliases: William Shatner (1966-69), Samuel Beckett (post-1989), Don’t Look Behind

Arch-Nemeses: Weathermen and unfurred cups everywhere.

Sidekick: The Lipogram

Lair: Just south of Donald Barthelme’s playlist on Joe Wenderoth’s iPod in the back pocket of the jeans he forgot to wear today.

Three Reasons He’s At Least 50% Sure He’s Not Former *NSYNC Baritone Lance Bass: Actually, he’s not at all sure he isn’t.  This is what often keeps him bedridden for days at a time.

If Bafflingly Murdered Would Want the Investigation Led By: The man in the macintosh who believes if you can’t fix it, make it spin really fast.

For his Answer to this Question He will Falsely Claim to Believe that: In heaven, all the interesting people aren’t missing.

In the Event of the Sun’s Death, Rendering Humanity Only the 8 1/2 Minutes That it Will Take the Last Solar Rays to Reach Earth to Live, He Would Feel Sad But Also Delight in the Opportunity to Finally: Stop worrying about never having got around to reading Finnegans Wake or taking up scrimshaw color-modification yoga classes.

Summation of Aesthetic Philosophy: If you don’t use your own imagination, somebody else is going to use it for you.

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One response to “Author Dossier #5: Lance Olsen

  1. Ah, so you’re the guy responsible for those great William Shatner songs like Mr. Tambourine Man.I wouldn’t worry about Finnegan’s Wake. The book ends right where it begins, so you can safely skip everything in between. 🙂

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