Lance Olsen’s piece “How to Unfeel the Dead” can only be found in Artifice Issue 1
Name: Lance Olsen
Other Known or Desired Aliases: William Shatner (1966-69), Samuel Beckett (post-1989), Don’t Look Behind
Arch-Nemeses: Weathermen and unfurred cups everywhere.
Sidekick: The Lipogram
Lair: Just south of Donald Barthelme’s playlist on Joe Wenderoth’s iPod in the back pocket of the jeans he forgot to wear today.
Three Reasons He’s At Least 50% Sure He’s Not Former *NSYNC Baritone Lance Bass: Actually, he’s not at all sure he isn’t. This is what often keeps him bedridden for days at a time.
If Bafflingly Murdered Would Want the Investigation Led By: The man in the macintosh who believes if you can’t fix it, make it spin really fast.
For his Answer to this Question He will Falsely Claim to Believe that: In heaven, all the interesting people aren’t missing.
In the Event of the Sun’s Death, Rendering Humanity Only the 8 1/2 Minutes That it Will Take the Last Solar Rays to Reach Earth to Live, He Would Feel Sad But Also Delight in the Opportunity to Finally: Stop worrying about never having got around to reading Finnegans Wake or taking up scrimshaw color-modification yoga classes.
Summation of Aesthetic Philosophy: If you don’t use your own imagination, somebody else is going to use it for you.